Family Ties: Build Soundly

Family Ties: Build Soundly

What Have We Learned?

Opening Illustration:

Good morning friends and church family. Welcome to week four of 7 week series entitled Family Ties. Over the last 4 weeks we have been examining how to have a Godly, Biblically based, and Christ honoring family. Brothers and sisters, I believe that God wants our homes to be places of peace in a world at war. He wants your home to be a shelter in the storm. Sadly, our homes are under attack. Here is a sobering statistic. Roughly every 36 seconds, there is a divorce somewhere in the United States of America. Young couples are being hit the hardest. The average age of divorcees is 30 years old. Back in the 1980’ and 90’s, it was said that roughly 50% of all marriages, both in and outside the church, would end in divorce. Recently I just read that stat has fallen to 39-40% but don’t celebrate to fast. The reason that divorce rates have fallen is because we have more people choosing to cohabitate, people are choosing to just live together, instead of getting married.

The other day I was reading an article by a student from The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. The article was entitled “Satan’s War on Marriage”. The author of the article states that “Satan hates marriage”. He explains that marriage is a real world dramatization of Christ and the church. That’s right brothers and sisters, your home, your marriage, the relationship you have with your spouse models the deep spiritual connection that Christ (the groom) has with the Church (His bride). It makes sense then for Satan to destroy our marriages because in doing so, it destroys our ability to be a witness for Christ in a dying world.

So, what have we learned the past few weeks? In week one, we talked about having strong families. If you remember we talked about checking your family’s foundation. I encouraged you to plant your family on the firm foundation of God’s Word. Last week we discussed that families are sacred to God. We compared your family to a table with four legs. Each leg is important because if you remove one leg, the entire table falls. If you remember the four legs of your family were 1 Biblical teaching, 2 creating time…valuable time with your children, 3 serving together, and 4…the importance of worshipping together. Last week we read from Matthew 7 where Jesus talks about men who built their homes in two vastly different locations. One man built his home on the rock. The teachings of Jesus Christ. The Bible. The other man built his home on the shifting sands of this world. When the rain came for both homes, the house built on the rock survived while the home built on the sand was destroyed. The lesson is simple, build your family on Biblical truth rather than the whims of worldly culture. We looked at Abram and Lot. Two men who placed their families in unique locations. Lot chose the area of Sodom and Gomorrah. Abram chose Canaan. Lot’s family was devastated when those cities were destroyed while Abram followed God’s leading and was spared.

Today we are talking about building sound families. Biblical sound families.

Point:

Husbands and wives, is your family Biblically sound or do you find yourselves sounding off? Sadly conflict is a common occurrence in many homes across America. Oh Ive seen just about every possible reason for a fight in my years of marital counseling.

“He leaves the toilet seat.”

“She used my tooth brush.”

“He grinds his teeth at night”

“She clips her toenails and leaves them on the coffee table.”

“He won’t take out the trash.”

“She won’t clean the house.”

I could go on and on. The other day I actually asked Angela, my wife, what is the one thing that I do that really drives her crazy? What was the one thing that makes her want to just strangle me? I asked her the question at 4:45 p.m. on Wednesday. I thought that it may take her a few minutes. I thought that she would have to think really really hard. I thought that she may have to look deep in her prayer journal, spend some real quality time with God to discover the answer. I thought that she may have to search the Scriptures. Nope. At 4:45, not even one minute later, she responded. “Being late” was her answer. Because I value my life I will not return the favor in front of this audience today. I love my wife and I love my life thank you very much.

Today’s Thought:

My point is that conflict is a part of every marriage. Fill in this thesis statement for me this morning. Conflict can lead to cooperation or cancelation. Christian, it’s your choice. That is a true statement. Conflict can lead to deeper understandings, great levels of forgiveness, and it can teach us to really appreciate mercy. Sadly it can also lead to broken relationships and busted marriages. Here is the deeper truth, how you handle conflict is totally and completely up to you and your spouse. It is all your choice.

Today’s Quote:

Sadly conflict, if you let it, can build barriers and create walls between you and your husband or you and your wife. Jim Elliff the prolific Christian writer, wants to remind you and me that conflict in your relationships can damage our relationship with God. “To put a wall between you and others is to build a wall between you and God”.

Today’s Scripture:

Today friends we will be reading from several different passages. Our main Scripture will be from James 4:1-6. James was written by the Jesus’ half brother. James is thought to be on of the most practical books in all of the Bible. Paul actually calls James, the author of this book, one of the pillars of the early church in Galatians 2:9. It was written to Jewish Christian believers. The theme of the book is faith in action or faith that works. Essentially faith without works is a dead faith. James gives us advice on how we are to treat one another and warns against favoritism. He talks extensively about how we are to speak to one another understanding that there is great power to heal and to harm in our tongues. With that understanding this morning, let’s read from James 4:1-6. James is going to reveal to us this morning what is at the heart of our conflict and quarrels.

What Have We Learned?

God Wants Your Family To Be Strong, Sacred, Structured and Sound!

Today’s Thought:

Conflict Can Lead To Cooperation or Cancelation. Christian, Its Your Choice!

Today’s Quote:

“To put a wall between you and others is to build a wall between you and God”

-Jim Elliff

Today’s Scripture:

James 4:1-10 ESV

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? [2] You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. [3] You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. [4] You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. [5] Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, "He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us"? [6] But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." [7] Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. [8] Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. [9] Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. [10] Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

I. Three Dangers of Unresolved Conflict

Point:

So before we move on to the meat of today message, let’s talk about the damage that conflict does to our relationships and our marriages. There are lots of dangers to unresolved conflict but for sake of time, let’s look at three of them this morning. The three dangers of conflict are back ups, blow ups, and break ups. Back ups, blow ups, and break ups. Let’s look at danger one, back ups.

There are several responses to conflict but perhaps the most popular response is avoidance. Let’s just pretend that it isn’t there. This conflict that is in my home is a figment of my imagination. It’s a ghost. When we sense conflict in most important relationships, we run away, choosing to turn a blind eye. We ignore the problem hoping that it will magically, mysteriously disappear. Brothers and sisters, I freely admit to you this morning one of my greatest weaknesses. I am a people pleaser. At my core I want people to be happy. I want there to be peace in my close relationships and when conflict breaks out in my home or in my work, I am deeply uncomfortable. Conflict avoidance is a negative type of people pleasing behavior that typically arises from a deep seated fear of upsetting others. One of my great fears is that in a moment of conflict that I will be perceived as a jerk, as uncaring, unfeeling, or dispassionate. In order to not rock the boat we choose to take that conflict and push it aside hoping that it will resolve itself without us having to address the problem.

Do you know what happens to people if they pursue this line of thinking long enough? If you continue to push aside conflict long enough, eventually, and this happens every single time, you will begin to resent the person that represents that conflict. Resentment is a direct result of unresolved conflict.

Jesus tell us in Matthew 5 that there is a serious flaw in this thinking. Unresolved conflict, conflict that you have ignored, damages not only our earthy relationships but it also damages our relationship with God. It affects our prayer life. It affects our worship, our giving, and creates roadblocks in our ability to understand God’s Word. Matthew 5 captures Jesus’ words stating, "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”

Don’t let conflict create back ups on your earthly and heavenly relationships.

Danger two to unresolved conflict is blow ups. When we allow conflict to run rampant in our relationships, it can lead to explosive behavior. Resentment, anger, disappointment, and hurt arise from a problem left unresolved, and eventually, you wont be able to mask your feelings. I have met mild mannered men and women who have allowed conflict to fester in their spirits so long that eventually it bubbles to the surface. The bubbles quickly turn to booms, shouting and screaming are soon to follow. I have seen men and women who never use cursing in their normal working relationships shout expletives at their wives and husbands behind the closed doors of their homes. Hurtful words, curses, and expletives that are shouted and screamed are seared into the memory banks of our spirits. They are difficult to forgive and almost impossible to forget. Trust me brothers and sisters, when we blow up at one another, blessings never follow. The Psalmist writes in Psalm 37:8 that we should “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret---it leads only to evil.”

Lastly, danger three is break ups. Unresolved conflict creates back ups, blow ups, and yes…break ups. If conflict continues to permeate our relationships it will 100% end in a divorce. A break up. And break ups never build anyone up. The longer conflict exists in your marriage the more chances for hurt and resentment to grow and thrive. The longer the conflict exists, the longer that it is allowed, the less you will communicate with one another and the more hurtful you will be with each other. Remember husbands and wives, no one is perfect. They weren’t perfect when you married them and they are not perfect today. I love the book of Proverbs because it gives us beautiful, practical, helpful wisdom. Proverbs 19:11 reminds us that a “man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”

So, what are some practical tips on how to heal your marriage? How can God transform these battles into blessings? How can a Christian deal with this unresolved conflict?

Danger One: Back Ups

Matthew 5:23-24 NIV

[23] "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, [24] leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

Danger Two: Blow Ups

Psalm 37:8 NIV

[8] Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret---it leads only to evil.

Danger Three: Break Ups

Proverbs 19:11 NIV

[11] A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.

II. 4 Tips To Transform Your Battles Into Blessings.

Step One: Acknowledge The Problem

Step one in resolving conflict in your marriage and creating a solid foundation for your marriage is to first acknowledge that you have a problem. Admit that you are hurt. Don’t cover it up. Don’t bury the pain. Don’t pretend that your feelings were not hurt. Don’t lay the hurt aside. If you are hurt, handle it in love and handle it quickly. Notice what Jesus says in Matthew 7:15. “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Jesus, as he speaks to His disciples, doesn’t say that if you have been hurt or damaged, just continue on with life as if nothing at all has happened. Just march along. Be stoic and strong. Push those feelings aside. No. Jesus states that if you are at church and suddenly remember that you are angry, that you are hurt, that you feel abused, leave that very moment that address the issue with the other person. Jesus understood that ignoring conflict only grows conflict. When we choose not to handle the conflict in our marriage in proper time, that conflict will creep out at inopportune times, even embarrassing times.

So, just a brief caveat to this point. Notice that Jesus doesn’t tell you to call the preacher and tell him to handle the conflict for you. Notice that Jesus doesn’t tell you to write an anonymous letter to the person who has offended you in order to reveal your personal gripe or grievance. Jesus tells you, you and only you, to go first to the offending party and lovingly reveal the wrong. Skipping this necessary step only grows the conflict and allows the pain to fester. Let’s look at step two.

Matthew 7:15 ESV

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

Step Two: Attack The Problem…Not The Person

Step two is to attack the problem, not the person. To many times we turn the focus of our pain on the person rather than the problem. When you attack the person, when you attack your husband or your wife, instead of dealing with the problem, all you create is an environment of defensiveness and resentment. They will lash out, our tones become raised, body language becomes defensive. People will shut down. People never respond positively when they are called names or when they feel that they are being forced to accept 100% of the blame.

Men, have you ever noticed that telling your wife to “calm down” or “you’re acting irrational” never seems to calm them down or improve their rationality?

Women, have you noticed that telling your husbands that “they shouldn’t feel that way” only makes them more entrenched in the way that they are feeling.

Here are a few helpful hints. If you are dealing with a problem today in your marriage, spend some time praying with one another before you address the situation. Husbands pray for your wives. Wives pray for your husbands. If you find yourselves raising your voices at one another, even after you pray for one another, sit at the kitchen table and write notes to one another. I do not advise texting one another from across town. Funny that even on texts messages that people say really hurtful things to their spouse. Sit down with one another and write your feelings with the other person present. That way you can see their reactions, notice their body language, and pick up on subtle facial expressions. Also, not every issues needs to be handled in a day. You can address an issue without resolving it. Agree to disagree but agree to continue to pray for and with one another until God brings a resolution. Follow Paul’s advice in Ephesians 4. “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” So, what is our third step?

Ephesians 4:31-32 ESV

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Step Three: Attend To The Problem…Pause and Ponder

Step one, acknowledge the problem. Step two, attack the problem, not the person. Step three, attend to the problem…pause and ponder. When dealing with problems in your marriage it is very important to learn to listen. You may not know this but listening affects human behavior in incredibly powerful ways. It reminds me of one of my favorite stories on this issue.

Illustration: Tired Of You

An old couple was sitting by the fireside. He looked over at her, had a romantic thought, and said, “After fifty years, I’ve found you tried and true.”

The wife’s hearing wasn’t very good, so she said, “What?”

He repeated, “After fifty years, I’ve found you tried and true.”

“After fifty years, I’m tired of you too,” she replied.

Point:

Obviously our inability to listen well hurts our relationships. Are you a good listener? Maybe you are maybe you are not. You can tell by taking this test.

Do arguments seem to follow you around?

Do you have constant drama in you life?

Do you feel that others tend to avoid you?

Do you feel that your relationships are “surfacy”, like they don’t have any real depth?

Has your spouse ever told you, “you know you just don’t ever listen to me”?

Have your children ever told you, “you know you just don’t ever listen to me”?

If you answer “yes” to those questions you may need to develop your listening muscles. If you want to become a better listener become a jotter. Do you know what a jotter is? When you and your spouse are talking, pull out a pen and a paper and jot down his or her points. It is hard to talk when you are busy writing. Writing down your spouse’s points will help you gather your thoughts and it will also help you organize your thinking. Here is another helpful hint. When you are talking to your spouse agree to some ground rules. Set a timer for 5 minutes and agree that you will not speak until that 5 minutes is up. You’ll allow your husband or wife to speak uninterrupted for the duration of that time. Then when they are done talking, allow them to set the timer while you talk. Know this, good listening requires concentration. If you and your spouse are talking, put down the electronics, turn off the tv, set down the iPhone, and give them your best attention. Nothing will further conflict more than an unwillingness to listen to your partner. Practice James 1:19-21. “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.”

James 1:19-21 ESV

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.

Step Four: Absolve The Problem

So, we have finally made it to our last step. Step four! Step one, acknowledge the problem. Step two, attack the problem, not the person. Step three, attend to the problem…pause and ponder. Step four is absolve the problem. Forgive.

You might be thinking to yourself this morning, “but Stuart you don’t know what my husband did to me. You don’t know how he hurt me.? You might be saying to yourself, “the preacher doesn’t know how my wife hurt me.” You’re right. I don’t. Here is what I know. If your spouse is a believer in Christ, if he or she comes to you with a contrite heart, if he or she fully admits they’re wrong and asks forgiveness then you should forgive.”

Forgiveness is THE essential ingredient to a healthy marriage. Your spouse is not perfect, as I have already stated. They will sin against God and you. Angela has had to forgive me time and time again and I have had to forgive her. I have hurt her and she has hurt me. Forgiveness means a commitment to not keep a record of wrongs. Forgiveness means not threatening divorce or hold separation over your spouse’s head.

Husbands and wives I want you to hear me right here. I am not saying that you need to stay in a relationship where you are being physically abused by your spouse. I believe that physical abuse nullifies a Biblical marriage. Abuse of any kind should never be tolerated. I have seen marriages, with God’s help, overcome abusive situations but I do not believe that, for instance, a women in the name of Christlike forgiveness should allow herself to be beaten, abused, or physically harmed by her husband. So understand my heart on that issue. Im talking about everyday hurts in marriage and what I am saying this morning is for marriage in general. Sadly marriages can be very messy.

Now back to why we should forgive. Brothers and sisters, you need to be gracious and forgive your spouse because God has been gracious and forgiving to you. You’ll never have to grant forgiveness to anyone else more than Jesus has already forgiven you. God has been merciful to you and He wants you to be merciful to others.

Just look at the depth of God’s forgiveness. God takes our sin and throws it into the depths of His forgetfulness.

Micah 7:19 NIV

you will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

Likewise, God removes the guilt of our sin by separating it from the greatest distances of His mindfulness.

Psalm 103:12 NIV

as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

In Your Marriage, Conflict May Be Normal But It Doesn't Have To Come Natural!

Bibliography:

Web-Sites:

https://legaljobs.io/blog/divorce-statistics/

https://www.healthline.com/health/conflict-avoidance#how-its-harmful

https://www.symbis.com/blog/5-reasons-you-shouldnt-wait-to-resolve-a-conflict-with-your-spouse/